“Love Can Work Out"...funny how this phrase sounds so cliché - something that we expect to hear in a happily ever after couple story, romantic movie or to see in a billboard. And that's pretty much what I was expecting when I started reading this book: another self-help love book for desperate women and relationships that are falling apart.
But from the very first chapter I was proved wrong. The authors explain a very interesting theory which they call "the equilibrium point". Here is how they explain it:
"There is an experiment in behavioral psychology that exemplifies how the human being limits itself in love. A scientist puts a mouse in a cage. At first, it will walk from one side to another, moved by curiosity. When it feels hungry it will go towards food. By touching the plate, in which the researcher has installed an electric circuit, the mouse will take a great shock, a shock so strong, that if it doesn't quit touching it, he might even die. After the shock, the mice will run in the opposite direction of the plate. If we could ask him if he is hungry, he would answer "certainly not" and that's because the pain caused by the shock causes him to despise the food. After some time, however, the mice will come in contact with the double possibility of death: death from shock or starvation. When the hunger becomes unbearable, the mouse will slowly start moving back towards the plate. In the meantime, however, the researcher turned off the circuit. The dish is no longer electrified. However, as it reaches to almost touch it, the mouse will have the feeling that he took a second shock. There might be tachycardia, goose bumps and he will run in the opposite direction of the plate. If we asked what happened, the answer would be: "I took another shock." They forgot to warn you that the power was off! Thereafter, the mouse is entering a very great tension and it's goal now is to find a middle ground between the point of hunger and the food which gives it a certain ease. This is called equilibrium point, because it represents a position between doing something to eat while avoiding a new confrontation..."
Reading the above I couldn't help but identify myself and the first question that popped in my mind was: "Am I getting shocks without even touching the plate?" and by honestly answering my question I discovered that yes, I was.
How many times I held myself from inviting someone to go the beach, a movie or dinner out of fear of rejection? How many times I stood and suffered alone because I didn't want to "disturb" or "be a burden" when asking for a listening ear. How many times I gave up on phoning or sending a simple message just to say "hi" fearing I might come out as stupid or corny or even "needy".
Because of past experiences in which we are hurt badly we end up closing ourselves off to many great and wonderful experiences just because we refuse to suffer again. And we try to convince ourselves saying "I won't make myself vulnerable" but what we are actually truly doing is letting others have control over our own feelings and giving them the power to make us feel glad, mad or sad.
And in our fear of giving in to love we give in to loosing life's greatest pleasures: friendship, romance, companionship, strong family bonds, a good conversation, etc. and who is really missing out in none other than ourselves.
By the time I reached the last pages of this book I decided that I wouldn't let myself miss out on so many things in life out of fear of a little electric shock. Instead, I will give in to love and enjoy the very best life has to offer me!!!
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